The past month has been completely manic, in more ways than one. As I expected, when I got back from Ireland I ended up in hospital. I managed one night at home in my own bed before giving in and admitting defeat. I spent 2 weeks in hospital and although my lungs feel a lot better for it, I’m feeling a lot more down about the realities of life. Things aren’t going well in a lot of other aspects of my life. Some of which I’m not ready to talk about yet and in some ways I don’t want to publicise them because it’s not really up to me, but the end result is I’m exhausted. Both mentally and physically. Cookie is in hospital at the minute and will be for the forseeable future, I’m struggling to maintain a normal routine around all of this and am at the minute staying with a very good friend of ours.
I am however heading back to Ireland for just over two weeks in November to see my family. I’m going on my own this time, which as much as I love Cookie’s company, is what I think I need. I’m going to sleep lots, eat lots and drink far too many caffinated drinks. I’ve spoken to my consultant and he’s given me a few things to do if I end up in trouble while I’m away and has spoken to my resp cons in Cavan so if the sh1t does hit the fan, that I’m a lot less reluctant to go in and won’t come back in such a mess as I did this time. But I’m flying home on my little brothers birthday to surprise him. He doesn’t know and I’m really looking forward to being able to surprise him like that. He’s a huge part of my life even if I don’t get to see him anywhere near as much as I’d like. I’ve always been very protective of him and even though we argue like cat and mouse, he knows that I love him to bits, and that was emphasised when I was home in September when he trusted me enough to tell me about being bullied at school when he couldn’t tell mum. I think that shows the kind of relationship we have. It’s a very trusting one and he knows that he can tell me anything.
I have also started to look at the way I look at life. Before now I’ve always believed that everything that happens is as a result of something I’ve done or said. I’ve had to realize that there’s certain things in life that I have no control over, and that I will have to leave that one in someone else (maybe God’s, but I haven’t got that far yet) hands. I also realise that there’s things I do have a big say in and that if I want certain things to happen that I have to be the one that pulls my finger out and gets the ball rolling.
This might be the start of a different way of thinking for me, and I’m hoping it’s the beginning of a more positive way of living. Only time will tell.