Freaking out.

So two weeks from today, I’m being admitted to hospital to start IV’s in preparation for my operation on the 5th.  I’m going in for IV Aminophylline. A medication I usually take orally, but when taken IV, it can be a lot more effective for a lot of people. Some people don’t find it helpful, but I do, and it’s saved my skin more times than I care to count. I’m hoping that by going in a bit early for IV’s, it will stop my chest from becoming an issue during my operation, and in the post-operative period.

Since I found out on Wednesday about my op, I’ve been getting more and more anxious. It got to the stage that I had a panic attack on Friday in the hospital. I was up with Cookie because she was having some injections and had to hang around for a few hours after to make sure that she didn’t react. When we were sitting in the waiting area, I started completely freaking out. I was very lucky I managed to get myself out of it, but it was scary and I really don’t want it to happen again. I’m having nightmares about it and all sorts. I know the things I’m scared of are silly things, but in my head they’re real. I think the biggest one is the block being ineffective and half way through the op me being able to feel absolutely everything that’s going on. Either that or it not working at all. As well as that I don’t want them to under-sedate me because they’re worried about my chest. I really don’t want to be aware of what’s going on. I’m going to make sure I have my iPod on me and that it’s on a playlist of songs that I like.  I’ve spoken to a lot of people who’ve had sedation and they’ve said they don’t remember a thing about it. And my chest consultant told me that when he went for a three hour procedure, he had it done under a spinal block with sedation and that it only felt like 10mins to him. But dad’s going to be here for it, and he’s said he would go into the anesthetic room with me while they’re sedating me and stuff, so I won’t be on my own when it’s all starting. And I don’t want to leave the room until I’m asleep/dopey enough not to care. But I’m really glad dad’s going to be here, cause I think it’s what’s stopping me from completely loosing it and freaking out. I’m going to have him there to hold my hand.

Hopefully I can manage to hold it together until then, but I’m going to go and see my GP this week and see if she suggests anything.  14 days to go.

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