Well, It finally happened. I blew. My body can only bottle up emotions for so long, and I’ve been bottling up everything for about a year. Being the pillar and trying not to let things get to me. But it can only last for so long.
It’s daft, because it happened for the most stupid of reasons. I was watching Educating Yorkshire, and one of the students step brothers died quite suddenly. I don’t know what happened but something flicked inside my head and I started crying and couldn’t stop. That’s only happened a handful of times in my entire life. I think the last time it happened was just after I moved over here again and I split up with my ex.
It’s nearly a year since Cookie ended up in hospital, and in Intensive Care. I still remember the exact moment and the words said when I got the phone call saying she’d taken a turn. It scares me to this day. I think what scares me the most is just how close I came to loosing someone I care about to the point of a sister. I thought I had lost her to be honest. Maybe not totally, but nobody knew if/when she would wake up and if she did what state it would be. She still has problems to this day with things like her memory and concentration, and lately it’s been getting to the point of causing arguments between us. And her pyschiatrist is refusing to admit there’s anything wrong. But I’m now going to get involved in it, because it’s getting to the point that it’s affecting things like our rent, bills etc and that’s not on.
What worries me is that for about 5 months beforehand, things were going really well. There was no warning signs, no reason that I could see for it to happen. But it was planned. And that’s scary. Things are going really well at the minute, and it scares me that something like that could happen again. I know I can’t spend the good days worrying about the bad ones, and I don’t normally. But I think we all have our tipping points.
I was lucky that dad was there for me today. He rang me when I was in the middle of a full blown meltdown and managed to calm me down a bit and we talked about my trip to Tenerife and my little brother coming over. I know that I chose to live in the situation I am. But I wouldn’t change things. At the minute, things are doing fantastically. Cookie is really helping me out at the minute and is giving me a lot of support both physically and mentally because at the minute I’m not 100%. I’ve noticed aswell though that she’s more independant and is learning how to manage her emotions so much better, and I’m so proud. It’s daft that as her flatmate I’m proud. But she’s my best friend and we’ve seen each other through some of the worst times in our lives together.
After about 20mins of feeling sorry for myself and sobbing my eyes out, I managed to pull myself together. Occasionally we all need a cry. It shows we’re human and capable of emotions. I can’t always be strong and the pillar. I can most of the time, but I’m only 21 (22 on Sunday :D) and am still learning. And I will continue to learn.