Moving on.

So it’s been about 3 weeks since my last blog post. Where I was just getting over a pretty big meltdown for me. I struggled for a few days after that. My head just wasn’t in the right place, even over my birthday. A day that’s meant to be fun and enjoyed was weighed down by doubts about how I was meant to be a good friend to people when I was such a bad person. A person who keeps loosing her temper with her best friend over the most stupid of reasons. Because her friend makes her get out a chair that she’s sitting in because she wants to sit there.  I shouldn’t loose my temper so easily. Even now I’m struggling to hold my temper. I think I need a break. To get away from all the hospital appointments, bills, messy flats and stresses that are going on in my life. Because I know this isn’t me. I’m not the sort of person who lets things get on top of her. 

I had quite a severe asthma attack a few days after my birthday. My gases were pretty shit and I was in quite a bad way. I was a bit pissed cause I told the resp reg I was struggling over and over again and kept getting told that it was just me panicking. Then I let them have a blood gas and they realised just how much I was struggling. Within 10mins I had IV’s going up left, right and center and ICU doctors assessing me. I couldn’t help but think if they had’ve listened to me in the first place, it wouldn’t have been this bad. It’s tough. It’s the decision of do I put my wrists through hell several times while they try and get a blood gas from me, or do I try and fight through the attack without extra meds? I think from now on I may not be as reluctant to give them gases, because it makes them see just how unwell I am. I ended up having 9 ABG’s over 2 days. I was not happy. But I got out a week later. I’m still not fully back to normal, and am struggling to walk as much as normal without needing to stop. But these are the things that we have to get through after these things. And I will get better. I’ve got so many things that I have to get better for. 

Yesterday I went to see my orthopeadic consultant. I’ve been struggling a lot with my left hip. It was my right one I had replaced in June, but I knew that my left one was going to need done at some point in the future so I’m expecting it. I had an appointment in February, but I had to bring it forward because I can’t keep going the way it is and not know whether I’ve damaged it more or what’s happened. I had some x-rays done and went to see my consultant reg. He said he wanted to replace it as soon as he could before it got any worse. Because it would just get worse and not better. With the condition I have in my hip, it’s never going to get better and that scares me.  He went into speak to my consultant, and he has decided that with the condition of my lungs, it’s too dangerous to do it until it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t understand it because surely it’s just going to be as dangerous in 6/9 months time or whenever they decide to do it as it would be now? How do they know that my chest isn’t going to be worse? I would love that it would be better, but it’s a 50/50 chance that it is going to be worse. As far as he’s concerned it’s a 1 in 5 chance that something serious could happen during my op. And that’s scary. It’s major surgery and it hurts. A hell of a lot. So until he is certain that my want to just get rid of the pain is more than the fear of the pain after, he’s not going to do it.  I think part of me is glad he won’t, but the other part is saying to me that I just want to get it over and done with. I recovered really well, really quickly last time. But they say that just because it happened once before, doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. Here’s hoping my lungs and hip behaves because the next few months are manic for me. 

I’m getting my break away from everything! I’m going to Tenerife on Sunday with Irene and Sean. My stepmum and stepbrother. Irene and dad got engaged last year. It’s a big deal for me because I’ve seen my dad go through absolute hell for years. With loosing both of his parents to horrendous conditions and then getting married to a pyscho and divorcing her a year later. Its tough for him to be alone. Yes he’s in Tenerife and he’s far away from her, but they do see one another a lot and they are making it work. They’re right for each other and it makes me happy seeing how happy my dad is. Nobody wants it to work for him more than me. I’m his closest relative. He doesn’t see his sister an awful lot and they’ve never completely seen eye to eye. But dad and I have always been really close. Of course we occasionally argue, but it’s generally for a good reason.  But I can’t wait to spend some times with family in the sunshine. I just need to pack!

I get back from Tenerife on the 23rd October and then I’m flying to Ireland on the 29th. My little brother is coming over for 10days and because he’s under 16 he’s now allowed to fly unaccompanied so I’m going to get him. Then I’m flying back with him the next day and have him for 10 days.  I can’t wait. It’s the first time he’s actually spent some proper time with me, and I’ll be able to take him on the plane and see his face when he figures out where he’s going and what he’s doing. I haven’t told him he’s coming and am going to make it a big surprise for him. It’s going to be fantastic. Just to see his face when we show up at the airport. He’s going to be over here for his birthday and I can’t wait. I’m going to take him to LegoLand, Old Trafford, Manchester Airport and The Trafford Center. I’m so excited!!!

Things are going to get better. Things are going to go right. I can get there. 

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