Struggling.

So things are a bit up and down at the minute.

I’ve been in uni for just over a month now, and as much as I’m loving it, I’m finding it really hard going. I missed 3 days of lectures cause I was in hospital and am still playing catch up. Unfortunately it’s impossible to repeat labs, so I’m struggling to get my skills signed off for that lab. On top of that, I’m really struggling to remember everything I’m learning, especially in Cell Biology and Chemistry. I was never good at either of those but at this level it’s just mad. On top of that I had my first exam today and I was really stressed I was going to fail it. I had a really rough week last week which was our week off, and I got very little work done as a result. But I’ll go into that in a minute. But I’m determined to manage this. I’ve waited too long and worked too hard. I did get 72% in that exam though, so I’m pleased with that.

So last week was my reading week. It’s a week we get off because so many of the students in my uni are mature students and have kids off for halloween. We had planned to go to London to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I’d bought Cookie tickets to see it for Christmas and to stay in London for a few days. We went on Monday and stayed till Wednesday. Unfortunately on the train I realised I’d forgotten my meds. Bad move Vicky. So I spent Monday evening when we got there trying to get a script for meds, then had the issue that NOWHERE stocked my uniphyllin or ivabradine and they were the urgent ones. I managed though, and didn’t die in London, so it’s all good. On Monday evening I got a text from mum that made me very worried about my nanny. I rang her and she told me they’d found something dodgy on her brain scan. She’d had problems with her balance, memory and general ditziness, and having studied the brain and diseases of the brain, I went into complete panic. Didn’t help when I managed to convince myself she had a brain tumor. On Tuesday, we went to see the show in the Gielgud Theatre. It was absolutely amazing. I read the book for my Leaving Cert and absolutely loved it, so seeing it on the stage was fantastic. Then on Tuesday evening I found out a friend from home had died suddenly while on holiday with family in San Francisco. It was gutting. He was such a nice guy. RIP Dean x. On Wednesday morning I got a phonecall from daddy saying that my Auntie Peggy had died. I was totally gutted. She had always been a massive inspiration to me, and I honestly thought she would outlive us all. She was a total legend. I hope she knew that although I didn’t speak to her a lot, She was often in my thoughts. We went home on Wednesday, and I just crashed. Was completely wiped out.

I went to stay with my friend Sophie in Baildon at the weekend. Was good catching up with her and talking rubbish. I even ate veggie food! First time for everything! I think I’ve been overdoing it though. My chest’s gone to pot and my sugars and temperature are up shit creek. It’s doing my head in. I’m going to see the doctors tomorrow cause i’m a bit worried about my sugars.

Fed up with Cookie’s attitude aswell though. She does feck all around the flat, and as per usual I’m having to clean up after her. I was tidying the kitchen at 2am tonight. If things don’t change, I’m strongly considering moving out. I’ve got enough to worry about at the minute without having to worry that I’m going to come home to a bloody shit tip. I’m 400quid overdrawn, my health is going to shite and it just seems to be one thing after another after another. I just want to be able to get on with uni like a normal student. But instead it’s 3am and I’m sitting blogging when I’m meant to be in uni tomorrow. Cookie’s head is going to pot and she’s pretty much told me that when i’m not around it gets worse and she doesn’t want me going away. I know it’s manipulative, and it’s not a good way to live, but what am I meant to do? She’s my best friend and I can’t abandon her.

I just don’t know what to do.

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One thought on “Struggling.

  1. When I was in the worse of my depression I couldn’t face even doing the washing up when my mum would come over she always moaned at me. She doesnt understand depression still doesn’t understand I can’t bring myself to do anything. My solution by a dishwasher! Not best solution for you. Maybe suggest she has a job/aim for the day just one to start with then at the end of the day she’s achieved something.

    When you have someone with you all day you don’t feel the need to mix with others you just rely on them. When they aren’t there your support blanket isn’t there. She doesn’t mean to blaim you its just that mental health meanie! Eventually she will learn you are not always there. She needs to find her life now and get something to do to fill the time your not there!

    Glad you enjoyed curious incident I saw it this year whilst on tour and its up with my favourites!

    With uni, I tried to cover illness and when been in hosp (I was being discharged at 6am sleeping an hour and then going in) be honest and communicate they have to make adjustments but can’t unless you tell them and remember to rest!

    God I rambled on!

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