I’m finding my blog a good way of getting things out of my head and into some kind of order.
Today’s been difficult. I’m having problems with my psychosis, and the only reason I know that at least 50% of it isn’t real is because I know that James is dead. I’ve had both him and Claire stood around my bed for most of the day shouting at me and telling me how much of a shit human I am and how everyone would be better off dead. I’m seriously struggling to not believe that and ignoring it. I’m trying distractions, colouring, movies, all sorts. I just can’t ignore it. I’ve been working out all the different ways I could do it. How much of each tablet I’d need to take and how long I should wait and how to make sure I’m not found.
My other problem is that there is the possibility that Claire is on the ward. She could’ve done a patient transport from A&E to this ward. I can’t persuade my head of anything, and the idea that Claire wouldn’t turn down the offer to come on here and make me miserable. Telling me i’m imagining things though isn’t going to help, because it just makes me angry. I need logic. I need proof. James isn’t there because he’s dead. That makes that one a bit easier. I’m not going to be able to ignore them forever, and the chances are there’s going to be more voices soon. And then I definitely can’t get rid of them and not act on the thoughts and voices. I’m scared.