I know I have faults. Heck, who doesn’t? But at what point do your faults become more than just faults? When do they become big problems?
I’ve got a big gob. I’m not going to lie. I never know when to let things lie and I tend to moan far too much. And it’s at the disadvantage of my friends that this happens. Most recently it’s been about not being able to not offload on people who are facing much more difficult battles. I don’t like getting into the “Who’s more poorly” argument, but I’m extremely lucky that at the minute, my physical health is reasonably stable. But not everyone has that luxury.
I don’t mean to upset people. I don’t mean to cause hurt or frustration. I don’t want to be the person who nobody wants to be friends with or talk to because all I do is bring them down. I love my friends to the ends of the earth and back. And they’ve always been more than supportive with everything going on in my life. They’ve avoided doing things because they know it’ll upset me, they don’t talk about certain things because they know it triggers my PTSD. But I can’t reciprocate that. I just keep rubbing salt in wounds. And it’s killing me. I don’t mean to do it. And more often than not I end up sitting getting furious with myself because I know I’ve screwed up. I know from the second I hit “Enter” on my phone or laptop. But then the damage is done. And I’ve upset another person. I do it in real life so often as well. I’ll bring up a topic Cookie doesn’t want to talk about and don’t let it lie. I don’t know why the fuck I can’t just let things lie. My head is always trying to get to the bottom of something, or if someone’s upset I’ll make a joke but not realise that’s not the time for jokes. I’ve got no tact. I’m rubbish at realising what’s appropriate and what’s not. I’ll keep on at Cookie about her room despite the fact she knows it’s a mess, for fuck sake, she sleeps in it. She sees it when she wakes up in the morning. I keep mentioning my PICC to Sophie despite the fact I know she’d give her left leg and probably her kidney to have a PICC. I’ll bring up things with dad that I should’ve let lie by now, like how let down I felt by him going to Cambodia and leaving me to deal with James on my own.
I’m going to end up causing people to not want to talk to me, ever. Maybe that would be better. Then I can’t upset them.
I just wish they knew I don’t mean it. I don’t mean to make them hurt. I don’t mean to make them angry.