Motivation for procrastination.

So I’m meant to be revising for my exams in August, but absolutely nothing is going in. I spent about 2 hours today trying to get something to go in, but brain was  having absolutely none of it. So blogging is next in my long list of procrastination techniques.

So I have a bucket list of things I’d like to do, ideally before I’m 30, but not specifically. Things like go SCUBA diving again, run round A 400m track etc. I think I’ve got to accept the painful truth that I’m not going to be able to do that, and so I’m going to have to amend my bucket list. I’ve been having a think about it lately and am kind of struggling to come up with ideas. And I think that ties in with my depression. Not being able to see a future is a very real side to depression and it’s one that I experience quite regularly. I can just about see me graduating from uni, but even that is difficult to accept as a possibility. I’m still waiting to see a psychologist (we are down to 17 months now), but they don’t know what to do with me in the interim because they can’t really leave me as I am for nearly 2 years. Oh, wait, they do it all the time. Dickheads. Hopefully they’ll come up with some kind of plan before then. Because the strain this is putting on my friends, never mind me, is getting ridiculous. They’re always worrying about me and I know they do it, even when they say they aren’t.

Things are really tight money wise this month. I’m in between last student loan and September, and then them putting my ESA up because I’m on holidays. So until then they expect me to cope on 70quid for 2 weeks, including bills etc. I’ve decided I’m going to make a seperate bank account when I get my loan or any money and just use it for bills so I don’t end up in as much of a mess next year. It’s affecting my sleep, my general mood, I’m getting snappy when Cookie asks me something totally innocent and I’m just being a shitty friend. Gotta try and cough up about £350 for bills this month because of a few stupid mistakes on my part (I bought patient line in hospital so I could watch the one love concert in manchester), credit cards that need paying and phone bills and virgin bills etc. It soon adds up. I just need to get over this bad patch. Hopefully then my sleep might wise up as well.

I ended up in hospital in May with Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH). For the non medical of you, it basically means there’s too much fluid in my spinal column and brain which was raising the pressure. I went to an appointment at the eye hospital and they sent me straight to A&E. Was a bit freaked out, not going to lie. They did a lumbar puncture, which is how they treat IIH so they can get rid of the excess fluid, but unfortunately I got severe side effects from it, in that I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow without throwing up. This went on for about 5 days. But I couldn’t keep any of my medications, including my steroids and asthma meds down, so I was having to have IM/IV anti-emetics so I could keep them down. It was absolutely fecking awful because I was in the main receiving hospital for the bombing at the Manchester Arena and at the time was on the Medical Receiving unit who ended up taking some patients. It totally fecked my PTSD and I’m still struggling with it now. But thankfully I got home after just over a week and then spent a few days in bed trying to acclimatise my head to sitting up slowly. I think I should’ve taken out shares in the sick bowl people. But I was only home 1 night before I was into Wythenshawe for my elective. I got a bit upset and had a bit of a breakdown about the amount of my life that revolves around hospital at the minute. I just seem to have appointment after appointment at the minute. Suppose it’s better at the minute than during uni, but still. Urgh.

I miss home at the minute. Just want to see my mum and get a big mum hug. 😦

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