It’s 3am and I can’t sleep, so my brain has decided it would be a good idea to blog.
Things are pretty much the same since I last blogged. I’ve still not got my medication sorted which is a massive pain in the arse. Thankfully since reducing down one of my meds to the lowest possible dose, my heart has stopped being such a numpty. Uni is stressful but I’ve pretty much given up for this year and I’m going to resit 2nd year and hopefully be able to give it a hell of a better shot.
Something I’ve been thinking about a lot is how people view me. I get the idea that it’s “Vicky the asthmatic” instead of “Vicky the biomedical science student” or just “Vicky.” I need to try and get it out of my head that people want to know what’s going on with my health problems. Cause nobody really needs to know. I’m just Vicky, the student, who happens to have health problems. I think it’s more of a thing at uni with my lecturers because that’s how they’re introduced to me by my tutor. I’m not defined by my health problems, and I need to make it more of a priority that people don’t see it that way.
Uni is tough. My tutor wants me to try and sit two of my exams when I’ve barely been in this year and the exam period starts in about 2 weeks, if that. It’s going to be too much for me to try and learn 2 modules worth of work in that time frame. I’m good, and I like learning, but there’s only so much I can do. Unfortunately some of the medication I take has screwed things like my concentration span and my short term memory, so it would take me about 3x as long as anyone else to try and learn these things. I’ve e-mailed him twice saying I don’t feel I’m able to sit them, but he’s adamant. I think I may have to go above his head and speak to my course leader. Hopefully she’ll have a bit more of an idea, given her area of interest is lungs! I’ve been very close to just saying “fuck it” and dropping out lately. I’m struggling to believe I can keep up and that I deserve to be on the course. Biomedical Science isn’t what you’d call a ‘dossers degree’ and there’s a lot of work that needs to go into it and it is a difficult degree. The things getting me through those thoughts at the minute is looking at how I finished in first year and the fact that when I do get coursework etc done on time, I generally do really well in it. That and pep talks from my friends who have been in my position. I think I’d be fucked without them to be honest!
Looking around me, my room looks like a bomb scare. I’m going to HAVE to tidy it before I end up falling over something and end up going arse over tit. Cause it’s me and things like that happen. I’m hoping I can get it done this week, fingers crossed. I think part of it as well is I’m going to Ireland at the start of May to see family and I absolutely hate coming back to a total mess. A little bit of mess I can deal with, but this is beyond silly and I need to get on top of it. Depression really is good at just giving you fuck all motivation to do things. I just want to spend my days lying in bed playing my playstation or watching TV. They really need to get on top of my anti-depressants, I’m hoping that will be sorted this week, but we shall see.
Till the next time! x