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How do you make a head quiet?

This is one of those questions that nobody ever seems to have an answer for. They always tell me to just ignore the voices in my head. It’s really not that easy.

Today is a difficult day. I’ve had my PICC line put in, and while I’m happy I’ve got it, it’s annoying me that I need it. I know that I need reasonable access and that I spend a lot of time in hospital, but it’s a constant reminder that there’s something wrong and it’s a visible reminder. People ask me about it when I wear a t-shirt and forget to cover it. And I don’t like having to explain it to them, cause then you get the “Awww I’m sorry to hear that” stories. Having it is both a blessing and a curse.

My head’s being especially shitty today though. And there’s only so long I can try and have the argument of “you’re wrong, I’m not a shit person” before I start not have the energy for it. Which is a bad thing in itself. I’ve been struggling with my chest and I’m not sleeping fantastically, so I’m tired and feel rough. Never a good combination. I should be revising but the stuff I’m revising is ball achingly boring and I just can’t be bothered. Learning about 15 different fungi groups and how they all reproduce and grow just isn’t my idea of a party. So I ended up building lego with loud music on in an attempt to shut my stupid head up. Doesn’t seem to be working though, so I think I might just give up and go to bed. Seems the best plan, and the safest right now to be honest.

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Making tough choices.

The past few weeks have been totally manic for me. Between myself ending up in hospital, Cookie going to Spain and my head going to pot, losing one of my best friends, having to cremate said friend, making the decision to resit first year and making the choice to bring Sophie back to Ireland with me.

At the end of August I was meant to sit my end of year exams at uni. Because of my mental health, my GP, Cookie, Sophie and I had made the decision to defer my May exams to give me the best chance of getting my head into the best place as possible. Unfortunately, I ended up in hospital during the first week of the exams. I managed to make the first one, which was Cell Biology but wasn’t well enough mentally or physically to sit the rest. This left me in a bit of pickle in that I wouldn’t be able to proceed into second year because I didn’t get enough credits. So I attended quite a bit meeting in uni last week with my tutor, lab module co-ordinator and student welfare officer. We have decided that I’m going to redo 1st year as a clean slate and not have to sit the modules I passed, which were Study Skills and (shock horror) Cell Biology. I was totally gobsmacked to see I’d passed CB! It’s my worst subject!

Making the decision to resit 1st year and not just go “fuck it, I’ve had enough” was not easy. Every part of me at that time was not believing I was in anyway smart enough to be doing this course or well enough to be able to keep up. I just wanted to be able to do it in 3 years like everyone else. I know not everyone else didn’t have the crap going on that I did, but still. There’s so much I need to be able to do to keep up, and I’m scared I’m not going to be able to again. And then it’s essentially 2 years of my life and about 15 grand wasted. But I enjoy uni. I love having a reason to get out of bed and do something, I love learning new things and I’m excited to see what the future will hold for me. So I’m going to give it another go. Hopefully now we  know my head is doing a lot better(touch wood), I’ve had my shoulder surgery and hopefully my chest consultant will pull his finger out, things will be a bit easier this year. But I have another reason to work hard, and I’ll explain that in a minute.

I’ve had some rotten luck with the DWP lately. I got back from Leeds and the meeting at uni on Wednesday last week to a letter from the council telling me my housing benefit had been stopped. At this point I totally panicked and rang the council. They told me it had been stopped because it was up for renewal. I’d heard nothing about this and had no letter about it or anything, so needless to say I was a total mess.  At this point I rang the DWP to find out what was going on. They said that they hadn’t actually been cancelled or up for renewal, but in fact they were only suspended because I hadn’t sent in proof of my student finance for this year. I hadn’t a clue I needed to and was surprised when they mentioned it. The woman on the phone told me that they should’ve sent a letter out but didn’t for some reason and the only thing they could do was fit me in at the job centre in person to get the relevant documents sent into them quicker than it would be by post. Thankfully it was pretty much sorted by that afternoon, and hopefully things are semi sorted. Unfortunately due to a change in my student finance rate, my ESA rate has dropped considerably which is causing me a great deal of worry at the minute. I’ve been struggling to manage as it is. I’m debating cancelling a few things that aren’t totally necessary and seeing how much I can knock off monthly bills.  It was just a really shitty week.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Leeds lately. Sophie ended up quite poorly in her local and unfortunately her mum was in the Scottish Highlands and couldn’t get home, so I said I’d hang around to make sure she was OK and not on her own. I ended up with a sore arse from sitting in hospital chairs for so long! But we picked her up from hospital when she was discharged and the difference I saw from when I left her in the evenings during the week was astounding and was good to see. It was absolutely gutting and soul destroying to see her in so much pain and not being able to help or do anything. She really is an amazing human and I wish she understood that. But knowing that she wasn’t on her own has helped us both deal with it a bit. It was a very difficult admission for her, both mentally and physically, and being able to be there to hold her hand and show her the difference that she makes to me when she does the same was rewarding.

The reason I had to leave Leeds was that I had to go to the funeral of one of my best friends. Simi passed at the beginning of August, but due to circumstances we were only able to say goodbye properly last Thursday. It was heartbreaking. I was in no way ready to say goodbye. Simi was doing the same course as me, all be it at a different uni. But it brought us so much closer together and we spent many a night moaning about uni politics, lecturers and the stress of assignments and exams. She would’ve known exactly what to say when I made the decision to resit the year. She always just knew the right thing to say and I can’t see how it’s ever going to not hurt. To not be heartbreaking when I see a picture of us both or to make me cry when I think of good memories. I’m just glad she was able to fill the last few months of her life with things she enjoyed. And that brings some comfort to us all.

I’m going to be going to Ireland on Wednesday for the first time since January. I absolutely cannot wait. I’ve not been home since January because of many circumstances. I’m taking Sophie home with me for the first time ever. I’m totally beside myself with excitement. I’m counting down the days. It’s logistically a nightmare, but the idea of giving Sophie a break for a few days and seeing where I grew up is fantastic. It’s coinciding with my birthday as well so I’m hoping we can all go out for a few drinks. It was tough making the choice to ask Sophie, as she has a lot of medical problems that could stop her flying and is taking a lot of phone calls and toing and froing to try and get it sorted. But I made the choice to ask her if she wanted to and left the ball in her court. And she made the choice to come over! And I’m glad she did! I’ve already started writing my packing list and tidying my room so I’m not having to come back to a bombsite!

 

So anyway, it’s nearly 4am and I’m not asleep.

 

Until next time people x

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Freaking out.

So two weeks from today, I’m being admitted to hospital to start IV’s in preparation for my operation on the 5th.  I’m going in for IV Aminophylline. A medication I usually take orally, but when taken IV, it can be a lot more effective for a lot of people. Some people don’t find it helpful, but I do, and it’s saved my skin more times than I care to count. I’m hoping that by going in a bit early for IV’s, it will stop my chest from becoming an issue during my operation, and in the post-operative period.

Since I found out on Wednesday about my op, I’ve been getting more and more anxious. It got to the stage that I had a panic attack on Friday in the hospital. I was up with Cookie because she was having some injections and had to hang around for a few hours after to make sure that she didn’t react. When we were sitting in the waiting area, I started completely freaking out. I was very lucky I managed to get myself out of it, but it was scary and I really don’t want it to happen again. I’m having nightmares about it and all sorts. I know the things I’m scared of are silly things, but in my head they’re real. I think the biggest one is the block being ineffective and half way through the op me being able to feel absolutely everything that’s going on. Either that or it not working at all. As well as that I don’t want them to under-sedate me because they’re worried about my chest. I really don’t want to be aware of what’s going on. I’m going to make sure I have my iPod on me and that it’s on a playlist of songs that I like.  I’ve spoken to a lot of people who’ve had sedation and they’ve said they don’t remember a thing about it. And my chest consultant told me that when he went for a three hour procedure, he had it done under a spinal block with sedation and that it only felt like 10mins to him. But dad’s going to be here for it, and he’s said he would go into the anesthetic room with me while they’re sedating me and stuff, so I won’t be on my own when it’s all starting. And I don’t want to leave the room until I’m asleep/dopey enough not to care. But I’m really glad dad’s going to be here, cause I think it’s what’s stopping me from completely loosing it and freaking out. I’m going to have him there to hold my hand.

Hopefully I can manage to hold it together until then, but I’m going to go and see my GP this week and see if she suggests anything.  14 days to go.

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Popular Opinion

Right, I need a rant, and this being my blog is the place to do it. If you don’t like this fact then bugger off.

Ok, It’s recently come to my attention that certain people don’t like my attitude so to speak. I have two words to you. Stick it. If you think I enjoy being in hospital, that I enjoy going to ICU and having lines coming out of every fucking limb and hole you can, that I enjoy spending 10 weeks out of my school year stuck in a hospital bed and then managing to pass 6 A-Levels with distinction, then you try it. You deal with the fear when they tell you you’re going to ICU and the pain when they spend half an hour literally digging around in leg looking for a vein.

Look, I have asthma. I accept that. I also accept that I have to change a lot of things I do because of my asthma. If you knew how angry/upset/frustrated it makes me then you’d maybe have some small understanding of what I go through. Yea, Ok, you might have asthma too. You might feel as shit as I do. But I honestly thought that the people who go through it would be the last people to judge me for who I am and would be there to support me. If you don’t like this, then stop reading my blog, block me on facebook or whatever, But don’t ever, ever tell me that I enjoy this kind of thing.

Rant over.

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Incoastarated

Quick post cuz I’m posting from my phone, but as you can guess I’m stuck I’m hospital again and am currently taking up residence in my local ICU. But all is well and I’m off to a ward soon. I’m getting a tad bored of these places now…

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Arch Nemisis – Day 6. Fence Panels.

Now this sounds stupid, and it probably is, But I f**king hate fence panels. Last summer t’other half asked me to help him replace a couple of fence panels in his back garden for his mum. Ok says me, can’t be too difficult. 4 hours later, 3 broken fence panels and 3 splinters I decided I’d had enough of the fence panels and gave up. For those who have no idea what such a thing is, a fence panel is a large 1x1m piece of plywood or something of the sort that you use for fencing your garden. Chris’s garden subsides. Hence the fence panels subside. Along with the concrete pillars holding them together. When I was over seeing him at easter, the same thing happened. I said I was having nothing to do with them and sat and watched Dr Who, I didn’t think that unreasonable, considering the emotional and physical damage they’d put me through before. I’ve decided when I get a house, I’m putting proper wood panels up, that aren’t 1mx1m so that when one breaks, you don’t have to spent 3 hours taking it out and fixing it! Grrrrr.

Fence Panels...