2

Done and dusted.

Well, on the 16th July, I became the proud owner of a new left hip. To say it was tough would be an understatement(I will never see why people use ketamine for recreational purposes…) but I’m finally off crutches now, 4 weeks and 5 days after the op. It’s amazing. I’ve been on crutches permantly for over 4 years and have had my life severely limited by that for so long. It’s a great feeling to be able to walk out the front door and not need my crutch with me. I can do so much more stuff and am planning things that I’ve been waiting to be able to do. I’ve got a much more positive outlook on things now, and it’s fantastic to see the difference it’s making to my overall health. The day of my op I was standing up and using the commode and refusing to use a bedpan. Well, they made me use it one time, after that fiasco I decided it was more painful using a bedpan than pulling myself out of bed! But I’m working hard and proving everyone wrong. I can do it!

post op, day 1

I had my annual chronic disease review this morning, which was my asthma and diabetic review, and it couldn’t have gone better. I have no sign of problems with my feet, I’ve lost weight, my diabetic bloods are completely perfect and I got my personal best peak flow. All of these little things have just given me such a boost, and I’m currently riding the natural high. I’ve also finally started to reduce my painkillers, which is a huge deal. I’ve been on a massive amount of opiates for about 3 years now, and it’s taken a toll on my body. I’m always sleepy, have tummy problems and you just have a general feeling of groggyness. So the aim is to be completely off opiates by Christmas. It will be my christmas present to myself hopefully! I’m aiming to be off my long acting morphine by the end of Sept/Middle of October depending on how things go, and then I’ll be reducing my patch after that.

We also joined a gym last week, and had our first session and induction on Saturday. Both myself and Cookie have said we need to get fitter, and it’s a good way to loose weight so we’re going to try and go every few days and see how we get on. I managed 5 mins on the bike and 2mins on the cross trainer aswell as resistance work. So it’s working up from there and getting my strength and stamina back. I will get my life back in order, I’ve got the rest of my life to live for. 

Apart from that, there’s nothing huge happening in my life. I’m completely broke at the minute, so am not planning on leaving the house for the next few days. I’m meant to be in Grantham because Cookie has gone on holiday to Turkey with her family for a week and I’m not really meant to be on my own. But in true Vicky fashion I have a tummy bug, so I can’t risk my friends in Grantham getting it. I’m planning on going on Wednesday, but that’s subject to lungs/tummy etc.

I’ve given up on doing project365. I was spending too much time taking pictures of my bedroom and hospital and I was getting bored of it. Hopefully once I’m a bit more mobile and out and about I will be able to start it again, but for now it’s on hold.

Hope everyone’s doing good, and if you’re not, I send good vibes your way 🙂

0

Meltdown.

Well, It finally happened. I blew. My body can only bottle up emotions for so long, and I’ve been bottling up everything for about a year. Being the pillar and trying not to let things get to me. But it can only last for so long. 

It’s daft, because it happened for the most stupid of reasons. I was watching Educating Yorkshire, and one of the students step brothers died quite suddenly. I don’t know what happened but something flicked inside my head and I started crying and couldn’t stop. That’s only happened a handful of times in my entire life. I think the last time it happened was just after I moved over here again and I split up with my ex. 

It’s nearly a year since Cookie ended up in hospital, and in Intensive Care. I still remember the exact moment and the words said when I got the phone call saying she’d taken a turn. It scares me to this day. I think what scares me the most is just how close I came to loosing someone I care about to the point of a sister. I thought I had lost her to be honest. Maybe not totally, but nobody knew if/when she would wake up and if she did what state it would be. She still has problems to this day with things like her memory and concentration, and lately it’s been getting to the point of causing arguments between us. And her pyschiatrist is refusing to admit there’s anything wrong. But I’m now going to get involved in it, because it’s getting to the point that it’s affecting things like our rent, bills etc and that’s not on. 

What worries me is that for about 5 months beforehand, things were going really well. There was no warning signs, no reason that I could see for it to happen. But it was planned. And that’s scary. Things are going really well at the minute, and it scares me that something like that could happen again. I know I can’t spend the good days worrying about the bad ones, and I don’t normally. But I think we all have our tipping points. 

I was lucky that dad was there for me today. He rang me when I was in the middle of a full blown meltdown and managed to calm me down a bit and we talked about my trip to Tenerife and my little brother coming over. I know that I chose to live in the situation I am. But I wouldn’t change things. At the minute, things are doing fantastically. Cookie is really helping me out at the minute and is giving me a lot of support both physically and mentally because at the minute I’m not 100%. I’ve noticed aswell though that she’s more independant and is learning how to manage her emotions so much better, and I’m so proud. It’s daft that as her flatmate I’m proud. But she’s my best friend and we’ve seen each other through some of the worst times in our lives together. 

After about 20mins of feeling sorry for myself and sobbing my eyes out, I managed to pull myself together. Occasionally we all need a cry. It shows we’re human and capable of emotions. I can’t always be strong and the pillar. I can most of the time, but I’m only 21 (22 on Sunday :D) and am still learning. And I will continue to learn.