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What is OK?

What is OK? I think everyone has different definitions of what OK is for them, or for what they think OK should be.

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Above is what Google reckons OK means. But I think everyone has their own definition. I think for me, OK is being able to live my life without having to rely on extra medications and being able to do the stuff every day that I want to. Like going into uni everyday, not being scared of going out and not having panic attacks at the idea of doing simple things.  That for me would be epic. At the minute I can’t say I’m OK. I’m needing a lot of medication on top of my regular stuff to get through the day. Things like extra promazine, diazepam, sleeping tablets and then strong doses of antidepressants and antipsychotics. It’s hard. I was in hospital with an asthma attack over the past week, and while I was in there was a prescribing error and I went about 4 days without any of my anti-anxiety or psychotic medications. I spent a lot of the 3rd and 4th night sitting shaking and fidgeting so much I thought I was going to vibrate off my bed. I ended up making my chest worse because I was so restless I ended up wandering around the hospital for about half an hour trying to get rid of some of the excess energy.

But there’s other kinds of not OK. There’s physically not OK. I spent so long dealing with physical not OK, that when emotional not OK happened, I didn’t know how to deal with it. It took those around me to recognise it and tell me I wasn’t OK. I wanted to deal with it in my own way and that was to ignore the blatantly obvious. I spent so much time worrying about other people that I missed things getting worse with me. And I’ve learnt from it. What have I learnt from it?

I’ve learnt it’s OK to not be OK. It took a long time for me to be able to say that. It’s the beginning of July now, and I only started to be able to say that in, maybe May? I wanted for so long to be able to deal with everything and not need to ask for help. But it didn’t make any difference because everyone around me knew there was something not right and I realised that. It took me a long time but I knew that by admitting I wasn’t OK that I could get help faster which would mean getting better quicker. By saying “I’m not OK” I’ve been able to get to the point that when I say that I am OK, people actually believe it. It also means that I’m able to help tell people what’s making me not OK as much. Or other people are helping me figure out how I’m not OK. I’m still not OK in the grand sense of the term. I might have OK days, where things go right and I feel better, but overall I know I’m not OK. But that’s OK. Because I’ve got people looking out for me to make me be OK. Which if I had’ve kept saying I was OK, I wouldn’t have. It’s taking time. And I hate that. I’m not a patient person and I don’t want to wait around for something to happen. Hopefully with a combination of the right medications and therapy (which is ongoing, but I’m not convinced I’m getting the right kind with the feck wit I’m seeing) will get me to a point where I can say I’m OK more than saying I’m not OK.

Just remember that it’s OK to not be OK.

 

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Rough seas.

I’ve kind of neglected my blog lately. I do think about it quite a lot,  but it’s finding the time, energy and motivation to actually take the time to start writing. Even more so when you have more revision to do than you can shake a stick at.

So. Since the last time I’ve posted….

It feels like a lot has happened, but in reality it hasn’t. We changed my anti-depressant to a completely different one, I’ve had 2 assessments by two different branches of the mental health trust, I’ve had surgery on my shoulder (Oh yea, that kind of counts as a lot…) and then all the general shenanigans that I get up to.

So I reckon I should just start with the first thing and work my way down. We (GP, me and Sophie) decided that it was time to do something about my antidepressant. It’s going to be a hell of a while before I’m seen by psychiatry (more on that later) so he’s decided to change it and see where we go. I have swapped from mirtazipine which I’ve been on now for about 2 years to Venlafaxine, which tends to be used more in severe depression but it is difficult to manage because you can only increase it every 2 weeks and it can mess about with your heart a bit, and because I’ve got a history of SVT, they’re being a bit cautious. He increased it again on Wednesday so we shall see how that goes. I’m starting to get frustrated with the amount of meds I’m having to take, and it’s getting more and more difficult to make myself take them. It’s frustrating me that nobody trusts me with more than a weeks worth of meds. I can understand why it’s happening, and I’ve been the one having to make that decision on behalf of someone, but it still isn’t easy. I’m losing control of something that has such a big impact on my life and I don’t like it.

I had an assessment with the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT), who are tasked with looking after people with severe mental health problems in the community. , which took 4 appointments. It doesn’t normally take as long, but apparently I’m “complex”. Not going to deny that! But the woman doing it was a total tosspot. She was so rude it was unbelievable. I took both Cookie and Sophie along to different appointments to make sure it wasn’t just me taking things the wrong way, but they both said she was totally out of order. She didn’t quite understand that there’s things I struggle to talk about, and that I may not necessarily be able to very easily. Making me feel bad by telling me I don’t want to get better and that they’re never going to be able to help me isn’t helpful. It was an assessment and she really did push me too much in them without giving me any coping mechanisms to deal with the emotions that she brought back to the surface. I had only just got to the point with my PTSD that I could walk past resus in A&E without having a panic attack and she decided that she wanted me to tell her exactly what happened that night. Despite me explaining I really didn’t want to talk about it for self preservation reasons, and I’d appreciate it if she would let Cookie explain it, she wasn’t having any of it, despite me bursting into tears. My psychologist and GP where absolutely furious with her for doing it. My psychologist told me she didn’t actually need to know the specifics for the purpose of that assessment. As well as that, there’s a rule in Manchester that if you miss two appointments with the mental health trust, even if you have a valid reason (eg being in hospital) they’ll discharge you. Not even 2 consecutive appointments, but 2 appointments at all. She wasn’t willing to discuss it with her manager because apparently too many people were taking the biscuit with it. I can understand that there was people taking the piss, I really do. But when I have a discharge letter from the hospital saying I was an inpatient, surely that counts as a valid reason?! In the end she decided to refer me to the Early Intervention Team (EIT) who are there to help treat the early stages of psychosis. So I had to have an assessment at home with them. That was only the one appointment thankfully, but they decided that my psychosis isn’t actually psychosis but is anxiety and PTSD related. Not sure I agree, but that was their call.  So they referred me back to the CMHT and I had to see the tosspot again yesterday. She’s decided she wants to see me for 6 appointments.  I’m not happy about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the help. I understand that there are people who don’t get any help. But she makes things a hell of a lot worse, and I don’t think I have much room to get worse at the minute. But we’ll see.  I just want to be able to get on with my life the way it was before January. It’s one of those vicious circles that once you’re in, it’s damned near impossible to get out of that I want to get back to uni, but going scares me into having a panic attack, but getting back is going to help my head.

So I had the surgery on my shoulder that I’d been waiting on since last year in April. Feck me that was tough. I was in hospital for Cookie’s birthday again though which sucked. But I did my best and made sure she had some presents to open and she brought them and some cake up on her birthday. I was in for a few days beforehand for IV’s to get my chest right because I had to have a general anesthetic, which in people with naughty lungs is a scary concept. The anesthetist I had seen for my assessment a few months prior had been absolutely lovely. He had said I could have someone in the anesthetic room, a PCA post op and would be allowed someone in the recovery room with me. The anesthetist who actually did my operation wasn’t having any of it and I had to pretty much argue the toss to allow Sophie into recovery. He got the huff when I put my iPod in when I was in the anesthetic room because I was starting to totally panic and was just a general arse. He told me he wasn’t having any of it the night before, so needless to say I didn’t get much sleep that night. My chest kicked off a smidge when I was in recovery and I had to have some magnesium and hydrocortisone, but apart from that it was all good. I think I was in for about 2 weeks in total, but my shoulder is a hell of a lot better now. I spent 4 weeks in sling instead of 3 because I managed to (being me) fall on my sore shoulder about a week post op. I will say though that I’m terrible at doing my physio. I’ve been trying to do it a bit more in the past few weeks, but I am absolutely terrible at remembering. But even despite that, it’s doing well. I’ve a good bit of movement back in it, and I’m slowly building up the strength in it. I’m still not fully trusting of it, but it was the same after my hip replacements. It took me months to trust my leg to take my weight fully when I was going up and down stairs. It’s only been recently that I’ve trusted them enough to go down stairs without holding onto the banister! But I’ll get there, I’m looking forward to hopefully getting back to the gym. I’m not allowed just yet, but I think once I hit 3 months post op in July they’ll let me.

I’m going to be sitting all my exams at the end of August/beginning of September with all the resits. I’m not actually sitting any of them as resits, but because I missed 2 in January because I was in hospital, and with having surgery and my mental health being so rubbish, my GP, me and uni all decided that deferring my exams to then would be better for me. It put less pressure on me because there was no way in hell I was going to be ready by May to sit the exams. Bearing in mind in two of my 4 modules I have to do 2 semesters worth of revision. So I have a kind of revision plan at the minute and I’m really trying to stick to it. Hopefully I will and it will all pay off. As it stands I’m on the fence about repeating first year so we will see how things go when I sit my exams. Not going to lie, I’m nervous as feck, but uni have been fantastic. Because I missed the majority of my labs, I wouldn’t be able to move onto 2nd year because of that. But my module co-ordinator is going to work with me during July and August to catch up and get me to the level for the must pass exam. So here’s hoping!

Trying to think whether anything else big has happened. I went to Edinburgh to see Dad on Father’s Day. He hadn’t a clue I was coming, and seeing his face when he saw me coming up the stairs has to be in my top 15 moments ever. It was good to see him. I’ve not seen Irene or Sean since November, and although I’ve seen dad since, it was only briefly because he came down for the day.  So it was good to spend some proper time with them all. Sean’s voice has broke and he’s getting so grown up. He’s just a little bit older than TJ, but he’s so much more mature. With TJ’s learning difficulties he’s very naive and innocent and can’t really look after himself to any degree. Whereas Sean is a lot more independant. Hopefully though we will get TJ to that level and he’ll be able to be to live independantly. While I was in Edinburgh, I had a massive haircut. I’m still undecided as to whether I like it. I think it’s too short and I look like an oompa loompa, but everyone else says it’s lovely. I think it’s nicer when I can get it tussled and not like a bob. It actually means I have to use products on my hair for the first time in my life. It’s mad. Although the advantage of having it dried in an hour and it taking about a quarter of the time to shower is a massive one. It’s whether or not I can keep it this short or not! I think I might let it grow a bit, and keep it just above shoulder level. But time will tell.

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Unfortunately a few months ago we lost Dolly. Dolly was my Jack Russell Terrier back in Monaghan. She was a total legend. She got me through the worst of stuff with James and was absolutely epic at making me laugh. She had a heart attack when mum went to pick her up from Nanny’s. I was, and still am totally devastated. I can’t imagine going home now and Dolly not being there. It’s going to take some doing. Miss my puppy 😦

 

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If you’ve managed to get to this point and not fall asleep, I congratulate you. I promise to try to be a bit better at blogging. Hopefully once my head starts to wise up, things will get a bit easier and I will have a bit more motivation to do it. Watch this space.

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It never rains…

But it pisses it down.

I’ve had quite a busy month! We had some friends up over my birthday, but it was hit and miss as to whether I was even going to be out for my birthday! I was in hospital for the week running up to it, after being in a week before and being discharged too early. Fecking doctors never listen…

But our friends Kira and Caz came up to stay for my birthday. It was great. We were able to go bowling and for a meal, but it was the first time in over 3 years myself or Kira had been able to go bowling minus crutches. It was fantastic to be able to enjoy myself and not be in pain. I ended up with sore fingers from the bowling ball more than a sore hip! I won one game and came last in the other. No good! But I had most of my best friends there and it was fab!

I went up to Edinburgh to see dad and Irene the weekend after, and I was able to walk around Sean’s school for the open day and take pics. It was probably the most I’ve walked since my op and although I was tired, it was great to be able to do it!

Since then though, things have been a bit rough. The week after Edinburgh I came down with some sort of virus which pretty much floored me for a week. I think from Monday to Friday I spent about 4 hours awake. Just as I was starting to feel better on the Saturday, I managed to dislocate my shoulder, again. On Sunday I had a lot more pain in it than I did last time, and it was extremely swollen which it wasn’t last time so I was slightly worried and decided a trip to A&E was needed to make sure I had managed to get it back in right when I put it back in. They reckon that because it took me over an hour to get it back in and it’s now the third time I’ve done it, that there’s more muscle damage which is why it’s swollen and sore. I saw the consultant on Wednesday and they think I’m going to need surgery on it to stabilise the joint because I’ve done it 3 times now. D’oh! So for the next few weeks I’m in a sling and forced to behave!

Even though Cookie’s currently on crutches, and I’m in a sling, we spent Thursday in the Trafford Centre which was good. We did some shopping then went to Nandos for some food. Was a good day out and I really enjoyed walking about not worrying about crutches etc. I am however broke and didn’t manage to do any shopping lol. There should be a money tree in my back garden, then I could remove about £200 off it!

So for now I’m camping out in bed watching telly and trying to play my xbox with my arm in a sling!

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Cookie.

So I’ve mentioned Cookie a lot on this blog, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually explained who she is. Cookie is Vicky, my flatmate. But with both of us being Vicky, it got a bit weird. We became friends about 8 years ago on the Kick Asthma message boards, which was the kids version of the AUK boards. We chatted for years online but nothing ever came of it until I moved to England in 2009. The first time we met, I came up to Manchester to go to a dentist appointment with her. At the time she was terrified of the dentist and had a root canal due. We were sat talking about it at 11pm the night before, and I decided that night that I’d get on a train the next day and come to the dentist with her.

The second time we met, was when I was flying home from Belfast after a close friends funeral. Cookie had been really struggling with her mental health and not much was being done about it. I told her to book a doctors appointment and I would fly back into Manchester and go to the doctors with her about her depression. That was the first time she had confronted it and actually gone to get help about it. Scary to think that’s over 5 years ago. It was Friday 6th March 2009 that I finally realised how bad things were, and to see how far things have come since then is a massive eye opener. I often wonder what would’ve happened if I didn’t come up that day. This is one of those times where I believe in fate.

Anyway, when I moved back to England after my exams and had split up with Chris, we got talking a lot again. She was having a really rough time with her mental health, and a lot of the medication she was taking for different problems were interacting and causing her to get really sick and she wasn’t keeping food down. Her GP knew they needed to stop all her meds and restart them one by one to find out which one it was that was causing all the problems. But with her MH being the way it was, it wasn’t the safest of options to have her alone during this period. Her GP wanted her admitted to the psych ward, but if you’re physically ill, which she was with the vomiting, then the psych ward won’t take her. But the medical wards considered it psych’s problems. At the time I was sleeping on my friend’s floor in Loughborough, and was stuck in a bit of a hole. It was rubbish and my head wasn’t in the best place. I said that as there wasn’t any use me sitting looking at the same four walls in Bobby’s flat, that I may as well come up and stay with Cookie while she was going through all that. I was meant to stay for a week, and I never really left.

The thing is, a lot of people have said that I made the wrong decision in coming up to stay. And this is something I’ve thought about a lot since I made that decision in Oct 2011. I have a best friend called Vicky. My best friend was in trouble, and I was in a position to help. I’ve been the person who has needed someone to be there and there’s been nobody, and I know how alone I felt at that time. I’ve lost count of the nights that we’ve sat up playing card games because she’s struggling to sleep and her head’s misbehaving, or the times I’ve put her back together because of Self Harm accidents. I’ve spent many a night with her in A&E after an overdose and a lot of other nights sitting worrying about her because she’s my best friend and we worry about best friends. In 5 years, I’ve sat with my best friend as the doctors told me she’d been deprived of oxygen and may not wake up, I’ve held her hand as she’s sat rocking back and forwards because the voices in her head were shouting things I can’t even comprehend coming out of anyone’s mouth. I’ve had to restrain her as she’s tried to escape from a ward when she’s been under a psych hold, and been the one to get the blame when she legged it off the ward regardless. But at the same time, I’ve been the one who has ended up having an asthma attack because I’ve laughed so much at something random we’ve been talking about, the one who has learned patience, empathy and a hell of a lot of compassion. I make it sound like it’s been horrific. And yea, at times it was. But when she was sectioned in 2012-2013, I had to make a decision. Would I abandon my friend in the biggest hour of need? Or would I stick around, make sure she got better and that she had a home to come back to when she got out? Needless to say that I chose option 2. Since she was discharged on the 9th April last year, the difference I see in her is unreal. She has become so much better at dealing with her symptoms, and recognising when there’s problems. She is a much better friend to me and most people have seen a complete change in her attitude to life.

From reading this blog, you all know a fair bit about me. About my health, mental stuff and problems with my stepdad. Cookie was there for me throughout it all. She sat up all night with me when James was drunk and yelling through a locked door at me, trying to kick it down to get in. Back in the days of MSN she would keep me talking all night about absolutely everything and anything to try and keep my mind off what was going on, despite the fact that we would both have school the next day at 9am. Since I moved in with her, she has become my carer, cook, sister and best friend I could ask for. I’ve been bed bound for pretty much the past 18months because of my hip. During that time she’s cooked for me, taken care of the bills and things arising with the flat, helped me with the showers, gone shopping with me and generally been at my beckoning call, and not once did she complain. She makes me laugh on my shittest days, and knows exactly when to give me a hug. She motivates me in the gym and makes sure I take care of myself and eat right. She says that she’s done nothing special, but so many people would’ve run a mile when they first met someone like me. But we look out for each other. If you ever find this and read it Cookie, then please remember that you’re special. You’re my best friend and have stood by me throughout absolutely everything that’s happened. I know you say that I’ve done the same, but you had a lot more going on in your life than I did in mine. And it was a lot more to take on when I moved in looking after me. You’re awesome, and I love you to bits.

Cookie is more than a friend to me. She’s my big sister, my confidante, my non-lesbian lover and all round good egg and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. Everyone has friends, but best friends like this are few and far between, and you should make the most of them and treasure them.

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Done and dusted.

Well, on the 16th July, I became the proud owner of a new left hip. To say it was tough would be an understatement(I will never see why people use ketamine for recreational purposes…) but I’m finally off crutches now, 4 weeks and 5 days after the op. It’s amazing. I’ve been on crutches permantly for over 4 years and have had my life severely limited by that for so long. It’s a great feeling to be able to walk out the front door and not need my crutch with me. I can do so much more stuff and am planning things that I’ve been waiting to be able to do. I’ve got a much more positive outlook on things now, and it’s fantastic to see the difference it’s making to my overall health. The day of my op I was standing up and using the commode and refusing to use a bedpan. Well, they made me use it one time, after that fiasco I decided it was more painful using a bedpan than pulling myself out of bed! But I’m working hard and proving everyone wrong. I can do it!

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I had my annual chronic disease review this morning, which was my asthma and diabetic review, and it couldn’t have gone better. I have no sign of problems with my feet, I’ve lost weight, my diabetic bloods are completely perfect and I got my personal best peak flow. All of these little things have just given me such a boost, and I’m currently riding the natural high. I’ve also finally started to reduce my painkillers, which is a huge deal. I’ve been on a massive amount of opiates for about 3 years now, and it’s taken a toll on my body. I’m always sleepy, have tummy problems and you just have a general feeling of groggyness. So the aim is to be completely off opiates by Christmas. It will be my christmas present to myself hopefully! I’m aiming to be off my long acting morphine by the end of Sept/Middle of October depending on how things go, and then I’ll be reducing my patch after that.

We also joined a gym last week, and had our first session and induction on Saturday. Both myself and Cookie have said we need to get fitter, and it’s a good way to loose weight so we’re going to try and go every few days and see how we get on. I managed 5 mins on the bike and 2mins on the cross trainer aswell as resistance work. So it’s working up from there and getting my strength and stamina back. I will get my life back in order, I’ve got the rest of my life to live for. 

Apart from that, there’s nothing huge happening in my life. I’m completely broke at the minute, so am not planning on leaving the house for the next few days. I’m meant to be in Grantham because Cookie has gone on holiday to Turkey with her family for a week and I’m not really meant to be on my own. But in true Vicky fashion I have a tummy bug, so I can’t risk my friends in Grantham getting it. I’m planning on going on Wednesday, but that’s subject to lungs/tummy etc.

I’ve given up on doing project365. I was spending too much time taking pictures of my bedroom and hospital and I was getting bored of it. Hopefully once I’m a bit more mobile and out and about I will be able to start it again, but for now it’s on hold.

Hope everyone’s doing good, and if you’re not, I send good vibes your way 🙂

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Project 365 – Week 3

Week three of project 365 was a bit muddled for me, as you’ll see from my pictures for this week!

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Day 15 – 15th Jan – Had Billy over tonight, so we lay and watched Up! and had something to eat, then he went home. It’s sad that we can’t see more of each other, but it makes seeing each other even more special. I do really like him, and this relationship just feels much more right than any other. I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something there. He’s such a sweet guy and I do love him.

Day 16th – 16th Jan – I got this awesome coloring book off amazon. It’s called Kaleidascopia and it’s fantastic! At the minute I’m really trying to keep my head busy and keep myself occupied and it really is helping. Some of the designs in it are just fantastic and they really do keep me busy for ages. I’ve done a few now in different mediums. Cookie thinks the one I did in crayon is the best, but I don’t agree haha.

Day 17 – 17th Jan – Bought this new blanket today to go on my bed. My bedroom is colder than the rest of the flat for some reason, so I like to have another blanket  on my bed. This one is really warm and fleecy so it’s good at keeping me warm, and I can wrap myself up in it and just hibernate, I love it! It goes under my duvet so it’s what I get to snuggle up to when Billy’s not here. Heat!

Day 18 – 18th Jan – This was the can tower that came out of my room. This was what Billy and I had managed to drink in a day. I think we have issues with fizzy drink addiction. I don’t think though Alcoholics Anonymous would appreciate me walking in and saying “My name’s Vicky and I’m addicted to fizzy drinks.” Bit of a contradiction being there really…

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Day 19 – 19th Jan – Started tidying my room today. Got quite a bit done. I really need to start making more of an effort to get my room into some kind of order. I’ve been in this flat since July now, and my room still has packed boxes in it. For goodness sake I’ve boxes that belong in the kitchen in here. So I really need to get my act together.

Day 20 – 20th Jan – Was doing the dishes tonight, and put this glass into the sink in one piece, and took it out like this! I was a bit pissed because it wasn’t cracked or anything, and I’m not that violent when I’m doing chores! I put it in to soak, took it out, scrubbed it, put it back in to rinse the suds and took it out in pieces! I’m v lucky I didn’t end up slicing my finger on it! Considering how accident prone and unlucky I am, I’d say that was fairly good going.

Day 21 – 21st Jan – To be honest, I didn’t do a lot today. I wasn’t feeling too hot and spent most of the day in bed, so I snapped this picture of my lego man sharpner head wearing an innocent hat. We have these hats lying about everywhere from the past few innocent smoothie hat appeals so trying to find places to put them can be fun! We come up with some very creative ones though. Cookie has one of the hats on her Aleksandr meerkat toys which amuses me. But I’m easily amused.

So that’s my week 3 from Project 365, I’m glad I’m actually remembering to do it! It’s not like me to remember these things!

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Manic few months

Well, since my last blog post, I’ve been in hospital (surprise surprise), been back to see my family in Ireland and managed to see dad and Irene!

The hospital admission wasn’t surprising. I had a chest infection and I knew it was coming. It was a bad one for me, and scared me quite a bit. Especially because it took the ambo over an hour to get here after the FRV had arrived. I could see he was getting quite worried and I wasn’t feeling overly hot. But I’ve bounced back as usual, and as I type this, have just sat down after getting back from Ireland!

I’d gone over on the 24th Aug and was staying till today. The Saturday I’d arrived I knew that dad was going to a wedding in Belfast with Irene, and I wanted to get to see him and I knew that if I didn’t go to Belfast, I wouldn’t get to see him.  So despite having being up since 5.30am, I flew to Dublin, got the bus to Monaghan, got showered, changed and some food and then tried to find somewhere to kip in Belfast. Then got the bus to Belfast and a taxi to the hotel. So was on the go all day and didn’t get to bed until about 1.30am or so.  It was good seeing dad though and I enjoyed the wedding reception.  

The next day I got to go and have some lunch with Chris and Jen in the bus depot, then had a cup of coffee with dad and Irene before they headed for the airport. So once I’d seen them off I headed to catch the bus back to Monaghan. I was absolutely shattered. I’d been on the go for 20hours the previous day, and then got about 5 hours sleep on the Sat night. I managed to get some sleep on the bus then got home and tootered to bed for a doze. 

To be honest, the rest of my trip was pretty uneventful. I got to see my best friend Michelle a fair bit while I was home, which was absolutely amazing. I’ve not got to spend any proper time with her in a very long time because I spend so much time over here and when I am home, she tends to be working or in college. But I managed to catch her before she went back to college and we went to the cinema to see “The World’s End.” It wasn’t as good as I expected from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, but it still had some laughs and I enjoyed it 🙂 Then we went for some tea and soft drinks and put the world to rights for a bit. We went home and sorted her some flights to come and see me at new years which I’m REALLY looking forward to. I’m going to be over here for new years and it’s my first new year in my new flat with Cookie, so to be able to spend it with two of my best friends is fantastic. Then yesterday we went for sunday dinner and discovered the giant Alice in Wonderland chair outside the hotel which just amused us no end! And then we went for a bit of a drive and she dropped me off at my nanny’s and had a ramble and a cup of tea at nanny’s. It was just fantastic being able to spend some time with her.

 

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But today has been manic. I stayed at nanny’s last night because it was going to be the only time I could. I checked my bank balance after midnight and nearly had a heart attack. 3 had taken my bill out twice.  Bearing in mind I’d paid it earlier in the week, I knew it shouldn’t need paid again. But they took the direct debit out and I didn’t know that was going to happen if I paid the bill early. So it left me with £5 in my bank account. Unfortunately I couldn’t speak to 3 until 8am to sort it out, so didn’t sleep great last night. But I woke up shortly after 8 and rang everyone I could to sort it out and ended up on hold to the bank for 20mins. But it was sorted out pretty quick thank feck and they put the 2nd payment back into my account immediately.

But I was able to play a little bit of football and swingball with TJ while I was home and drew some pictures with him. It was brilliant to just be able to do some normal stuff with him. I know it was sore for me and hurts now, but to be honest I don’t care. It was just good to be able to do things that he enjoys and he knows it was special because I’m not able to do it very often, and haven’t done anything like that with him in a very long time. It felt good. 

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So now I’m home, and am absolutely knackered. But I’ve got a few days before Cookie comes home and then it’s back to my loony lifestyle!