So since my last post, things haven’t improved much. I’m on more medications now for my mental health than I’ve ever been and am still struggling to manage the most stupid of tasks like leaving the house.
I’m frustrated with myself. I want things to change. I want to be able to enjoy things. I hate seeing the strain it’s putting on Cookie knowing how much I’m struggling. The worst part is, I know exactly what she’s going through. I spent so long going through the same fight with her. So I know how tough it is seeing your best friend so low and not being able to help. I don’t want to push her away, but at the same time I’m terrified of hurting her. Of her feeling even more helpless. She’s my best friend and my person. Anyone who watches Greys Anatomy would see us as Yang and Meredith. It’s that kind of relationship. I’ve told a few people who I trust to the ends of the earth what’s going on, and have urged her to talk to people about how she’s feeling about it. I’ve always been the person she talks to, and now she feels like she can’t. It’s breaking my heart. But she still needs someone, and even if it isn’t me, she needs to know that there are people there for her. Hopefully she knows that.
I’m scared things are never going to get better. I was in hospital last week with my asthma, and my consultant actually told me he’s worried about me. Which he’s never actually done before. Apparently he knows things are rubbish because I don’t argue with him. I’m fed up of my lungs ruining my life and dictating so much. I’ve had to defer my end of semester exams until August because I just don’t have time to learn everything, and have surgery in April.
I was meant to have surgery on the 18th March. I had been for an anesthetic assessment with the anesthetist the week before and it wasn’t the anesthetist that I knew the consultant wanted, so I rang the consultants secretary who said the surgeon was on leave and she’d speak to him when he got back. So I rang them on Weds 9th, Thurs 10th and Fri 11th to make sure they were aware of the anesthetist issue. They said everything was fine and it was all going ahead. I rang on Monday 14th to check I had a bed for IV’s. I was due in for IV Aminophylline for a week before my operation to make sure my lungs were as good as possible. Got told I had a bed and everything was going ahead. Was just about to leave to go to the hospital and got a phone call from the asthma nurses saying it had been cancelled. I just didn’t know what to say. I was gutted. I need this surgery to be over and done with. It’s fecking with my head and I’m fed up with being in pain. On top of that it was timed perfectly. I’m on my easter break for the next three weeks so I wouldn’t have had to miss much uni. And they did this. So now it’s delayed until the 15th April. If they do it. They’re querying if I have MRSA in my lungs which is totally shite. Just need a straight answer from them about what’s going on.
I’m scared. I want to be able to enjoy uni again. I want to look forward to going out with friends. To not being scared to do things I used to be able to do in a heartbeat. I’m scared of the nightmares I’m having. Of waking up screaming that my dead stepdad is trying to kill my little brother. Heads are scary places.