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Re-evaluating.

Lately I’ve found myself re-evaluating what I want out of life. I’m nearly 28 (Sept!) and am still living the life of a teenager, and up until recently, I was pretty happy with that.

I’m not sure what has changed so much that has made me think about all of this. I think I’m seeing my friends graduating from uni, buying houses, having kids and getting married has made me start to think about where I want my life to go.

I know I said in my last blog I’d dropped out of Biomedical Science at university. I think the course I’ve swapped to is going to be much better suited to me. I need to speak to the university and student finance about it all, but I’m feeling better about it and I’m excited to finally have a reason to get out of bed in the morning again. I think as well psychology with counselling is going to be better for me in the long run when it comes to trying to find work at the end of things. I already know what areas I want to specialise in and I find myself becoming more and more excited about starting.  It’s weird, I’ve got totally different emotions to what I felt when I was starting Biomed in 2015. I think I’m a bit more wary and accepting of things this time. I went into Biomed thinking I was going to fly through it and be able to keep up and would graduate in 2018. I think this time, although I know I pretty much have to do this in 3 years (SFE won’t cover more than 3 more years for me and that’s with extenuating circumstances), but for some reason I’m more optimistic and hopeful that I can manage this one.

Cookie “officially” moved out on the 7th May. I’ve had Sophie staying since then, so it’s not been a case that I went straight from having someone about constantly, to being totally on my own. I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with that in one go. But I’m glad it’s happened the way it has. Cookie and I have lived together for 8 years and there’s only so long people can put up with each other without being in a proper partnership, which contrary to popular belief, we weren’t. I’ve been making an effort to start and pack up the rest of my stuff for moving. I’ve not yet “gone live” on Manchester Move so I can’t bid on any flats or anything, but when the time comes that I do, I could be given 3 days notice that I need to move, so I need to make more of an effort to get things in order. Cookie took both the sofas, so yesterday I had a second hand sofa delivered. It’s a nice sofa and comes with a footstool that doubles up as storage. So bonus on that one.  She pretty much gutted the flat so I’ve been building up some of the stuff I need to live between now and moving. Things like kitchenware and what not. And Sophie bought me a four slice toaster which I’ve been after for an absolute age and Cookie wouldn’t let me have. So I’m pleased.  I think moving into my own new flat will be good for me though. They gave me the option of staying where I am and paying bedroom tax, but I want a fresh start in somewhere new. My current flat will always be “mine and Cookie’s flat” so getting somewhere new is going to be good for my mental health. It’ll be nice to just get some space and not constantly have to be thinking about other people or moaning at people to tidy up after themselves. I’ve spent the past 8 years trying to clean up after Cookie and it’s part of what has caused a rift between us and expedited her moving out.

My mental health still isn’t fab, and I’m in hospital again with my chest. But I’ll get there with that. Mind over matter. Going to try and work towards some kind of plan for working with uni and my chest consultant so that uni doesn’t get as impacted by my chest as it did with Biomed, and hopefully at some point in my life they’ll give me some kind of psychotherapy that I’ve been waiting on since 2016. I’m going to fu*king get there though, and this time next year you’ll hopefully see a different Vicky.

 

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It never rains…

But it pisses it down.

I’ve had quite a busy month! We had some friends up over my birthday, but it was hit and miss as to whether I was even going to be out for my birthday! I was in hospital for the week running up to it, after being in a week before and being discharged too early. Fecking doctors never listen…

But our friends Kira and Caz came up to stay for my birthday. It was great. We were able to go bowling and for a meal, but it was the first time in over 3 years myself or Kira had been able to go bowling minus crutches. It was fantastic to be able to enjoy myself and not be in pain. I ended up with sore fingers from the bowling ball more than a sore hip! I won one game and came last in the other. No good! But I had most of my best friends there and it was fab!

I went up to Edinburgh to see dad and Irene the weekend after, and I was able to walk around Sean’s school for the open day and take pics. It was probably the most I’ve walked since my op and although I was tired, it was great to be able to do it!

Since then though, things have been a bit rough. The week after Edinburgh I came down with some sort of virus which pretty much floored me for a week. I think from Monday to Friday I spent about 4 hours awake. Just as I was starting to feel better on the Saturday, I managed to dislocate my shoulder, again. On Sunday I had a lot more pain in it than I did last time, and it was extremely swollen which it wasn’t last time so I was slightly worried and decided a trip to A&E was needed to make sure I had managed to get it back in right when I put it back in. They reckon that because it took me over an hour to get it back in and it’s now the third time I’ve done it, that there’s more muscle damage which is why it’s swollen and sore. I saw the consultant on Wednesday and they think I’m going to need surgery on it to stabilise the joint because I’ve done it 3 times now. D’oh! So for the next few weeks I’m in a sling and forced to behave!

Even though Cookie’s currently on crutches, and I’m in a sling, we spent Thursday in the Trafford Centre which was good. We did some shopping then went to Nandos for some food. Was a good day out and I really enjoyed walking about not worrying about crutches etc. I am however broke and didn’t manage to do any shopping lol. There should be a money tree in my back garden, then I could remove about £200 off it!

So for now I’m camping out in bed watching telly and trying to play my xbox with my arm in a sling!

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Late night living.

So it’s 4am and I’m once again burning the sunrise oil. But I’ve been chatting to a few friends and done some bits I needed to do in the flat and online. But I had a random thought earlier.  How do I manage to function better at night than I do during the day? Does anyone have an idea? It makes things awkward with regards to taking medication and doing physio. But I think the biggest impact it’s having is on my mental health and social life. I’m going to be going to bed when I finish this post. But in about 4 hours when most people would be getting up, or 8 when realistically most people get up, how am I going to manage to stay awake all day?  Am I going to be able to go out and do the shopping I need to do tomorrow/today?  I don’t think I’m going to be able to get myself further than the bathroom or kitchen tomorrow to be fair.

I really am going to have to try and sort this sleep thing out. Or I’m never going to be able to stay awake to maintain a social life during the day. Just a point, have been looking at uni courses aswell tonight. If I wanna even get through the first year, I have a lot to get in order. One of them being my sleep pattern. I will get there though. It might take me longer, I may have to find more ways to do things than the norm, but I will get to university and finish the course.

Sleepland, here I come.