So people, I said I was going to try and blog a bit more, so this is me trying!
The reason my blog is titled “Walk the line” is because I feel as a brittle asthmatic, it’s what I do on a regular basis. Every day we do things to keep us well, but at the same time trying to live our lives to the fullest. We walk the line of pushing our lungs just too far. You can spend all your life being sensible and not pushing your luck and walking far away from the line, or you can spend your life walking the line but enjoying what you do. You can’t live your life scared of what’s going to happen the next time you open the door.
At the moment I’m walking a line about going into hospital. My lungs are becoming less and less responsive to my medications and I’m finding myself struggling to breathe more and more often. However I’m also in the position of being too “well” for hospital, and this is the line that we walk when trying to decide when hospital is required. Do we go in and get told that we don’t really need to be there and to go home and rest, or do we wait at home until we really can’t breathe and then get told that we waited too long? It’s a difficult line to walk and even after having “brittle” asthma since I was 20, it’s a line I’m still struggling to walk. Most of the time I get it just about right, and go in at the right time. It’s where we have to be hyper-aware of our symptoms, monitor things like peak flows better, and listen to our instincts. I’m the first person to admit I’m bad at listening to my symptoms. I’ll hold out until the last minute if I can get away with it. I know that I’m due into hospital on Wednesday for my regular aminophylline infusion, so I’m trying my damnedest (is a word, honest!) to stay out until then.
A&E is a bad place for me, it is the reason my PTSD is as severe as it is, and ironically can make my breathing worse because I get that worked up about going there, my chest gets worse. I’ve started to take lorazepam before I go because it helps stop me panicking as much, and actually helps my chest in a weird way. It was suggested to me by my GP as my anxiety at the moment is causing a lot of problems.
This brings me onto my next point, Anxiety. There were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK in 2013, and with the amount of people being diagnosed with anxiety related conditions on the rise, this number is probably much higher, coupled with the amount of people who don’t see their GP or a health professional about it. My anxiety has become more of a problem in the past 3 years since I had my nervous breakdown, but it’s become much more of a problem since Cookie moved out and I’ve been living on my own. One of my biggest anxieties is when I open the front door, that someone will be stood waiting to attack me. I can’t see very well through my peep hole in the door so have to open it with the chain still on and then open it properly. My psychiatrist has put me on pregablin to try and help with this. It’s helping a bit and we’ve increased it from 50mg – 100mg recently due to my symptoms continually getting worse. But hopefully things will settle soon. It’s all about walking lines. I walk a line of being doped up too much to function, and not have huge anxiety issues, or I take the bare minimum and have to deal with the anxiety at a higher level. It really is a tough one. Right now I think I’ve got some kind of balance. I’m really struggling with my memory, but I think that’s a side effect of taking quetiapine last year. But I’ll get there, hopefully going back to university in September will help this.
Anyway, until next time! x