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Boring life.

So as the title suggests, I’m leading a rather boring life at the minute. The only thing remotely exciting is my trips to and from Bradford and Manchester to stay with S/S staying with me.  To be honest, it’s probably a good thing. I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with much more at the minute, I’m just about holding things together with things like they are.

I know I talked about it in my last blog, but my MH at the minute is properly down the shitter and I’m struggling to not do something stupid most days. My CPN is only seeing me every 2 weeks because she’s always on bloody annual leave.  I could probably do with seeing her a bit more often. will try and remember to mention it to her on Wednesday when I see her.  But my psychiatrist has started me on Pregablin for my anxiety. It’s helping my anxiety, but I’m getting some really annoying side effects from it like constant twitching/involuntary jerking. I’m going to give it a few weeks and see if it settles down before I give up on it.  Getting back to uni in September would be a lot easier if I wasn’t constantly anxious about leaving my flat. Fingers crossed, eh?

I’m managing to keep my flat in some kind of reasonable state. I’ve been trying to keep on top of the dishes and my room is always tidy enough that I can cope with it. I spent a while sorting my living room out yesterday so there’s no longer boxes all over the lounge. I managed to get them all to one side of the lounge so I can use the TV in there if I want to, and I think I’m going to move my PS4 in there. It’ll more than likely help my sleep because I’m terrible and sit up till the early hours playing if I really get into a game I like. So hopefully moving it into the living room will help that.

Anyway, I’m tired and want to go to sleep.

Bye for now!

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Re-evaluating.

Lately I’ve found myself re-evaluating what I want out of life. I’m nearly 28 (Sept!) and am still living the life of a teenager, and up until recently, I was pretty happy with that.

I’m not sure what has changed so much that has made me think about all of this. I think I’m seeing my friends graduating from uni, buying houses, having kids and getting married has made me start to think about where I want my life to go.

I know I said in my last blog I’d dropped out of Biomedical Science at university. I think the course I’ve swapped to is going to be much better suited to me. I need to speak to the university and student finance about it all, but I’m feeling better about it and I’m excited to finally have a reason to get out of bed in the morning again. I think as well psychology with counselling is going to be better for me in the long run when it comes to trying to find work at the end of things. I already know what areas I want to specialise in and I find myself becoming more and more excited about starting.  It’s weird, I’ve got totally different emotions to what I felt when I was starting Biomed in 2015. I think I’m a bit more wary and accepting of things this time. I went into Biomed thinking I was going to fly through it and be able to keep up and would graduate in 2018. I think this time, although I know I pretty much have to do this in 3 years (SFE won’t cover more than 3 more years for me and that’s with extenuating circumstances), but for some reason I’m more optimistic and hopeful that I can manage this one.

Cookie “officially” moved out on the 7th May. I’ve had Sophie staying since then, so it’s not been a case that I went straight from having someone about constantly, to being totally on my own. I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with that in one go. But I’m glad it’s happened the way it has. Cookie and I have lived together for 8 years and there’s only so long people can put up with each other without being in a proper partnership, which contrary to popular belief, we weren’t. I’ve been making an effort to start and pack up the rest of my stuff for moving. I’ve not yet “gone live” on Manchester Move so I can’t bid on any flats or anything, but when the time comes that I do, I could be given 3 days notice that I need to move, so I need to make more of an effort to get things in order. Cookie took both the sofas, so yesterday I had a second hand sofa delivered. It’s a nice sofa and comes with a footstool that doubles up as storage. So bonus on that one.  She pretty much gutted the flat so I’ve been building up some of the stuff I need to live between now and moving. Things like kitchenware and what not. And Sophie bought me a four slice toaster which I’ve been after for an absolute age and Cookie wouldn’t let me have. So I’m pleased.  I think moving into my own new flat will be good for me though. They gave me the option of staying where I am and paying bedroom tax, but I want a fresh start in somewhere new. My current flat will always be “mine and Cookie’s flat” so getting somewhere new is going to be good for my mental health. It’ll be nice to just get some space and not constantly have to be thinking about other people or moaning at people to tidy up after themselves. I’ve spent the past 8 years trying to clean up after Cookie and it’s part of what has caused a rift between us and expedited her moving out.

My mental health still isn’t fab, and I’m in hospital again with my chest. But I’ll get there with that. Mind over matter. Going to try and work towards some kind of plan for working with uni and my chest consultant so that uni doesn’t get as impacted by my chest as it did with Biomed, and hopefully at some point in my life they’ll give me some kind of psychotherapy that I’ve been waiting on since 2016. I’m going to fu*king get there though, and this time next year you’ll hopefully see a different Vicky.

 

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No Title.

No title is all I could think of as the title of this blog. I don’t know what to write about, I just know I need to type. So here it is.

The past few months have been tough. The past few weeks especially. A few months ago, my flatmate (Cookie) decided she wanted to move to Derby to move in with a friend there. It means for the first time ever, I’m going to be living on my own completely. I’m planning on moving into my own flat in the next few months, as we’ve set a date for the 7th May so we’ve got time to get the flat cleaned out etc.  I’m absolutely terrified. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to cope with being on my own with my mental health being the way it is, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I think it’s just a case of getting on with things and crossing bridges as they come.

I’m constantly pissed off at the minute. I feel like I can’t say anything without being made to feel bad for saying it. It’s breaking me down and I know there’s very little I can do about it. People should be able to vent without being made to feel bad for doing it.

Other news? I’ve withdrawn from Biomedical Science. I just wasn’t keeping up with the amount of labs we had to do. It was 4 labs a week and I couldn’t miss any as attendance in those labs makes up a percentage of your overall grade and you need to be signed off as competent in the skills you learn in labs. So I’m changing to Psychology with Counselling. I’ll still be doing it in Salford, but hopefully it’ll be a lot easier to work from home and I’m hoping that it’ll be easier for me to keep up. That’s the aim anyway. We’ll see.

Just got to keep on keeping on.

 

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Carry on, Sir.

I really am making an effort to blog more! It just happens the only time I really have the time to sit down and do it is when I’m either in hospital or it’s the middle of the night.  So this time I’m in hospital and have time on my hands.

Part of this admission was scheduled so I could have my port-a-cath inserted at the start of my treatment(5 nights of IV Aminophylline), and then I was more likely to be able to get a bed.

PORT_1

 

So I came in on Wednesday night with the aim to having my port put in on Thursday morning. We spent all day Wednesday ringing every few hours to see if there was a bed, and by 5pm they had one for me. I was well chuffed because the bed situation has been dire lately, but they got me in, so I can’t complain. Came in, had to wait a while to see a doctor because I came in after all the ward doctors had gone home. But got my amino up and going around midnight and tried to get some sleep. Was first on the list for theatre the next morning because of my latex allergy, so they came to get me about half 9. They farted around in the theatre for ages and by the time they actually got around to doing the procedure, I was a total mess. Even after 4mg of IV medazolam, I was still shaking and terrified. I think next time I’ll tell them I don’t respond very well to medaz. Problem was, that wasn’t the only issue. Around 10mins into the procedure, my heart rate started climbing. And climbing. And climbing some more, finally settling on 190-200. That’s a bit fast given that a normal person’s average resting heart rate is about 70-90. With me my average is about 110. So it was still way too high. They ended up having to give me a medication called adenosine which is known to cause problems with asthmatics, so they had to speak to my consultant and I ended up needing a lot of medication to then control my chest because when the adenosine didn’t work, they had to give me a beta blocker, which also causes problems with the heart. So my chest ended up going to shit a bit. So instead of being away for about an hour and a half, I was in theatres and recovery for about 4 and a half hours. Whoops. We still don’t know what caused the very fast rhythm (SVT) because I’m already on medication for my heart. There’s a suspicion it might have been while they were messing around putting the line in and it may have just tickled a part of my heart and it got a bit over excited. But who knows?

One thing i’m struggling with at the minute is my right hip. I know I’ve talked about how I’ve had both replaced, but my right hip is playing up something shocking. I can’t put weight through it, I can’t turn or twist, can’t lie on my sides or it kills and it’s generally making my life a nightmare. I’m back on crutches, which is a total nightmare for dripstands. I can’t go anywhere without help cause I can’t push a drip stand and crutch it. I used to be able to, but that was when the pain was different. This is a new kind of pain which is what’s scaring me a bit. It doesn’t feel like bone pain, it feels like muscle or nerve pain, which are both treated fairly conservatively. I think the Avascular Necrosis has left me very paranoid. I had an x-ray yesterday and they’re going to get ortho to come and see me and see if they have any idea what’s going on with it. Fingers crossed it’s something easily fixable.

I’m really looking forward to getting home. I haven’t been home in about 2 and a bit years. I don’t expect much to have changed, but there’s something about Monaghan that makes me happy just being there. I’ll get to see my nanny who I’ve not seen in forever, and specially after her brain surgery, I just want to give her a massive hug. Sophie’s coming with me and I’m really happy about that. I know we won’t be able to do an awful lot, but i think a week of enforced rest will be good for both of us. No hospital appointments, no work, no uni, just chill time. Definitely needed. Let’s just hope our flight back doesn’t involve the anti-terrorism police and ambulances being called to the plane (I’ll never, ever let her live that down)!

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It’s 3am and I can’t sleep, so my brain has decided it would be a good idea to blog.

Things are pretty much the same since I last blogged. I’ve still not got my medication sorted which is a massive pain in the arse. Thankfully since reducing down one of my meds to the lowest possible dose, my heart has stopped being such a numpty. Uni is stressful but I’ve pretty much given up for this year and I’m going to resit 2nd year and hopefully be able to give it a hell of a better shot.

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot is how people view me.  I get the idea that it’s “Vicky the asthmatic” instead of “Vicky the biomedical science student” or just “Vicky.” I need to try and get it out of my head that people want to know what’s going on with my health problems. Cause nobody really needs to know. I’m just Vicky, the student, who happens to have health problems. I think it’s more of a thing at uni with my lecturers because that’s how they’re introduced to me by my tutor. I’m not defined by my health problems, and I need to make it more of a priority that people don’t see it that way.

Uni is tough. My tutor wants me to try and sit two of my exams when I’ve barely been in this year and the exam period starts in about 2 weeks, if that. It’s going to be too much for me to try and learn 2 modules worth of work in that time frame. I’m good, and I like learning, but there’s only so much I can do. Unfortunately some of the medication I take has screwed things like my concentration span and my short term memory, so it would take me about 3x as long as anyone else to try and learn these things. I’ve e-mailed him twice saying I don’t feel I’m able to sit them, but he’s adamant. I think I may have to go above his head and speak to my course leader. Hopefully she’ll have a bit more of an idea, given her area of interest is lungs! I’ve been very close to just saying “fuck it” and dropping out lately. I’m struggling to believe I can keep up and that I deserve to be on the course. Biomedical Science isn’t what you’d call a ‘dossers degree’ and there’s a lot of work that needs to go into it and it is a difficult degree. The things getting me through those thoughts at the minute is looking at how I finished in first year and the fact that when I do get coursework etc done on time, I generally do really well in it. That and pep talks from my friends who have been in my position. I think I’d be fucked without them to be honest!

Looking around me, my room looks like a bomb scare. I’m going to HAVE to tidy it before I end up falling over something and end up going arse over tit. Cause it’s me and things like that happen. I’m hoping I can get it done this week, fingers crossed. I think part of it as well is I’m going to Ireland at the start of May to see family and I absolutely hate coming back to a total mess. A little bit of mess I can deal with, but this is beyond silly and I need to get on top of it. Depression really is good at just giving you fuck all motivation to do things. I just want to spend my days lying in bed playing my playstation or watching TV. They really need to get on top of my anti-depressants, I’m hoping that will be sorted this week, but we shall see.

Till the next time! x

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Tears and Fears

So it’s been a while since I blogged. Again, sorry, will try harder etc etc.

I think I only tend to go near my blog when there’s too much other stuff going on in my brain, and I need to get it out in some form or another, and blogging seems like a good plan, especially given that my blog is probably nearing 10 years old.

Start with uni I suppose. I’m on my easter break at the minute, but I’m semi debating not going back and just restarting 2nd year in September. It’s either that or I drop out completely to be honest. I’m struggling with my mental health and I just have absolutely no motivation to go into uni whatsoever. I’m falling asleep in lectures, not able to concentrate in labs and I’m of absolutely no use in the workshops because I didn’t know we needed to do pre-work and I haven’t it done. I do enjoy it when I’m there and managing to stay awake, the work we were doing in second year was really interesting when I could stay awake during the lectures. But we’ll talk about that one in a bit. When I’m there and have done the work, I don’t get half bad marks and do manage to keep up, but the problem is I’m spending more time at home than I am at uni and that’s just not really a good system. I end up a week behind because I’ve been in hospital and find it totally impossible to catch up with the work I’ve missed or if there’s any assignments I need to have done. I think given the bashing my mental health has taken this year, I’m probably justified in wanting to start again. I’m just hoping my tutor will agree with me. I’m in hospital at the minute, but once I’m out I’m gonna set a meeting with him and work out what the best step forward is for me.  But with the amount of coursework I’ve missed alone, I’m not sure how I can feasibly pass this year.

So, my mental health (MH)…. Things aren’t great. And they haven’t been great since just after christmas and new year. I went to my GP around about January saying I was struggling, and things have just gone down from there. I saw my psychiatrist around then and he increased my quetiapine. Things sort of got a little bit better, and then went downhill again and I got referred to the Intensive Home Treatment Team (IHTT). As it sounds, they look after people who need a bit of extra care in the community. They come out and see you every day or every few days to make sure you’re coping in the community and if not then they try and intervene before it gets to crisis point. They have their own psychiatrist on the team so even if you need to wait 4 months to see your own psychiatrist, they can have you seen by one as soon as possible. This is where my problems start to really go nutty. As it is, I’m on 3 main psychiatric medications. Quetiapine, Venlafaxine and Haloperidol. All of these meds can cause problems with the rhythm of the heart, and unfortunately in me, it’s affected my heart quite a lot to the point that they want me off all my current psych meds. But they didn’t tell me about this. Nope. I was discharged from hospital about 3 weeks ago now with a tray with all these changes in it and not a clue what was going on. They had put new meds in, taken out doses of things and muddled with doses of others. I was furious. While I accept my meds need changed, changing them all without even mentioning it to me was totally unprofessional and I was very annoyed about it. To the point I refused to take the new medications. I was meant to have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the IHTT but because I got admitted to hospital with my asthma, I was unable to attend it. I don’t know what they’re going to do about it now, I’m almost prepared for them to just say I’ve been seeing them for too long and they can’t see me anymore. Who knows. The only main issue I have with the whole plan is they want me to start Sertraline, which I’ve been on before and it didn’t help, so we swapped it to Mirtazipine, And I was on that for nearly 4 years and only changed it when I had my nervous breakdown.  As it stands, I’ve absolutely no idea what’s going on with my medication when I get discharged from hospital. I’m going to get them to make me a tray up, because even my poor pharmacist hasn’t a clue what’s going on with my medications anymore, and that’s never a good sign. I’m so scared of my head getting back to the state it was in Jan 16. That was a terrible time for me and the people around me to go through. I can’t go through that again.

Life is stressful at the minute. I’m getting more and more paranoid that people think I’m exaggerating my conditions or that I like the attention. I know that it has happened that people do it. I don’t even know if I do. I like to think I don’t, and try to tell things as they are, but admittedly my memory has gotten a lot worse being on psych meds so I sometimes get things wrong. Does that make me a drama llama? It’s really playing on my mind at the minute. My psych symptoms are going mad because they’ve reduced them all introduced a new one but it takes time for things to settle and I’m really struggling to deal with my head. That’s probably not helping/is helped by the insomnia. That kind of made sense in my head. I think I’m trying to say insomnia doesn’t help my MH, but my insomnia is caused by my MH. I think.

Although in saying that all, my nanny had the tumour in her brain removed last week. Nobody told me it was going on cause I’m a bit of a worry wart and would probably have spent the entire day panicking about it. But my 73 year old nanny, the OAP, managed 9 and half hour brain surgery and came out of it with absolutely no neurological deficits whatsoever. I am SO proud. Nanny is getting on in age, and although she doesn’t look it, she’s getting old. She’s done amazing and really has astounded us all. Ok, she had to go back to the hospital for a few days because her stitches came out and they wanted to check there was nothing untoward going on, but she’s totally OK and has no signs of infection or swelling on the brain. It’s one of the few times I’ve believed in god, because she needed someone looking out for her up there, that and a hell of a good surgeon! Mum has been fantastic with it all. She was up and down to the hospital in Dublin most nights, and is now staying out in Nanny’s so she can help nanny around the house as it’s Kieran’s (her brother) 50th birthday on the 1st April so there’s going to be a lot of people there and the last thing any of us want is nanny to go and overdo it and have a setback in her recovery. So mum is enforcing rest. Miffs me off a bit, when I was in hospital in Cavan she never came to visit. The only time she did was when James was in. It kind of hurts that she couldn’t come and see me when I was poorly but she can go to dublin for nanny every day. Different circumstances I assume. All of this brought it home to me that Nanny isn’t getting any younger. I’m the eldest grandchild and probably have the best relationship with nanny out of everyone, and the idea of losing nanny terrifies me. I’m hoping it doesn’t happen for a very long time, but I know it’s something that we have to start accepting is that Nanny and Pappy are both getting old and things do start going wrong as you get old.

Anyway, it’s like 1am, and I should probably go to bed. Being in hospital at night is crap when you can’t sleep. Poooooo.

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Long time no blog…

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I don’t really have any excuses except that I’m lazy and a lot of the time I just can’t be arsed sitting down and doing it. So I’ll try and sum up the past 6 months as well as I can!

To be honest, I can’t think of many big highlights. I went camping with Cookie and Sophie again in September the week the kids went back to school. It wasn’t as good as the first time, mainly cause Sophie had a kidney stone and spent a lot of time curled up in pain, which accumulated in a trip to Bangor A&E one of the nights. Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday with us 3 unless something like that went wrong. Didn’t help matters that Cookie managed to forget the bag that had her clothes in it. What a plonker. Meant she had to borrow clothes off Sophie and myself and then go and spend money on some more. Only she could forget to pack her clothes… *rolls eyes*.

After camping I was meant to get back to uni, but I was still really struggling with my chest so unfortunately it wasn’t able to happen. I managed to start getting back properly just before Christmas though.  My GP gave me a letter to defer my exams till August so I get a bit of a reprieve. I really need to get on top of that and make sure I get it sorted. It should’ve been in on the 18th but my head’s been really shitty and it’s been the last thing I could be arsed dealing with to be fully honest. I’m starting to seriously think about dropping out. I love my course and I love learning the stuff, but at the minute with my physical and mental health both struggling, I don’t know how long I can get away with winging it. It’s not helping that some of my medications are making me have a rubbish concentration span and I barely manage to stay awake through full lectures even if it’s something I really enjoy. I’m going to see if my psychiatrist has any ideas for switching my medications so that I’m not fighting a losing battle with uni work.

Christmas was a lot better than I was expecting. Mum and TJ were in London with Gerald and his mum, so I asked if I could go and join them and they were good with that, so I got to see my mum and TJ which I really needed. It’s kind of helped my home sickness, but I do still feel like I need to go home. It won’t be for a while though, I can’t really afford it at the minute. I spent New Year in Edinburgh with Dad. I got the train from London to Edinburgh, which apart from a 5 hour train journey in Poland, was the longest train journey I’ve ever made. I was bored out of my tree. Irene wasn’t very well and had a kidney infection so she spent most of my trip up there in bed. I got to spend some time with daddy though. We went to the cinema and to play pool which was good.

I’m back in hospital at the minute and someone in my bay has the flu. The entire ward has been shut because there is patients with the flu absolutely everywhere. It’s annoying because it means we are all on Tamiflu and anyone who comes into the bay has to wear a mask. Grrrr. I’m hopefully getting out on Monday and then back to uni on Tuesday. Will see how I’m feeling really.

I wanna go to sleep now, but I’ll try once again to blog a bit more often.

Much love x